The Mask We Wear: A Black Mother’s Journey Toward Approachability

A powerful reflection how one Black mother softened her mask to change the way she’s received.

When My Son Reflected My Energy Back to Me

Let me start by saying: I’m guilty.

Guilty of wearing my defenses right on my face. You know that look—the one they’ve labeled the “resting B face.” It wasn’t just a mood. It was a whole armor. And for a long time, I wore it like my safety net.

But motherhood… whew, it softened me. It had to.

Somewhere between exhaustion, endless cuddles, and trying to decode baby babble, I developed what I like to call my Momma Bear superpower: discernment. Not just for me, but for the world I now have to interpret on behalf of my son.

Because here’s the thing—kids pick up energy before they even learn words. And one day I noticed my son walking around the house with that same stone face. That tight jaw. Those watchful eyes.

And that’s when it hit me: he’s mimicking me.

So I became more mindful of my expressions. I started smiling more. Softening my tone. Not just for the world—but for him. And you know what? My little bear followed suit.

Our Mothers Taught Us This Too

Now, I have a son. But as a daughter? I can also admit: so many of my mannerisms came from my mama. No matter how hard I tried to rebel against it, she was my first mirror. My first example of how to show up in the world.

She didn’t always smile. And now I understand why. Life made her feel like she couldn’t afford to.

Smiling vs. Survival: The Energy We Give Off

I’ve been working in customer service for over 10 years—across all kinds of sectors. And the one thing that was always emphasized? The approach. Whether I was behind a phone or face-to-face, I had to present myself as soft. Welcoming. Warm. If I was on the phone, it was about the smile in my voice. In person, it was the one on my face.

Now I know this is a touchy subject. Especially for Black women. Because why do we have to walk around with a smile all the time?

Let me be clear: I’m not saying we should smile just to make others comfortable. This ain’t that. We are not about to walk around like that creepy movie Smile. Nobody needs to be grinning 24/7, and sometimes the audacity of the world doesn’t deserve your joy on display.

But… have you ever wondered why it stings when someone says, “You have such a beautiful smile—you should do it more”?

What they’re really saying is: “You don’t look approachable.”

And while that can feel invasive, even tone-deaf, sometimes it’s… not wrong.

That One Question: “Is She Approachable?”

There’s a certain energy we give off. And while other groups of women may have mastered the performance of the polite smile and the high-pitched agreeable tone, Black women are often left battling the weight of being seen as angry, intimidating, or closed off—even when we’re just… existing.

I remember being on the phone with an insured one day when a woman walked up to him mid-conversation. Her child had just been bitten by a neighbor’s dog, and she wanted to address it—but before approaching the woman whose dog it was, she turned to my insured and asked:

“Do you know her? Is she approachable?”

That moment stuck with me.

Because sometimes, approachability is the difference between conflict and connection. People are always reading our energy—especially in tense situations.

The Science Behind Smiling (And Why It Matters)

Smiling—yes, even a slight smile—activates the release of neuropeptides that fight off stress, along with dopamine, endorphins, and serotonin. Translation? A little smile can shift your entire nervous system.

And no, it doesn’t have to be a big cheesy grin. A soft lift of the lips—just enough to signal peace—can change how people feel around you. That’s why when you smile at someone—whether it’s in an elevator, passing a stranger, or exchanging glances across a room—it often draws that same energy back.

Why Southern Charm Is Really Emotional Intelligence

And don’t get it twisted—this isn’t just science. This is spiritual. When you stay in a spirit of gratitude, smiling becomes second nature. You carry a lightness in your energy that can’t help but show on your face. That’s what we down South always called charm. But really, it’s just emotional intelligence passed down through generations.

Since softening my approach, I’ve been received with more courtesy. More kindness. More grace. And it’s not just for me—just like a child, adults mirror energy too. If you smile, they’re more likely to smile back. But if you frown or mean-mug, that gets mirrored too.

The shift starts with us.

The Mirror Goes Both Ways