Many of us don’t choose the same relationship patterns by accident. The way we attach, love, and respond to closeness is often shaped long before we’re aware of it. Attachment styles influence who we’re drawn to, how we handle conflict, and why we repeat dynamics that leave us hurt or unfulfilled.

This reflection explores attachment styles, emotional healing, and the intentional work of breaking unhealthy patterns so we can choose better , and not just in relationships, but in how we show up for ourselves.

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When I first learned about attachment styles years ago, I saw them as just another tool to help me understand why I respond the way I did in certain relationships. But if I’m honest, every time a friendship or relationship ended, that awareness quickly turned into self-blame.

I’d think, Maybe it didn’t work because there’s something wrong with me. Maybe if I just fix this one thing, the next relationship will be different. And yet, I’d “fix” myself, only to walk right back into the same kind of toxic, one-sided dynamic. The cycle continued.

And if you haven’t figured it out by now, I’ve always been a mix of anxious and avoidant. Some would call it a classic anxious avoidant attachment style. On one hand, I crave closeness. On the other, I deeply value my independence. Add in introversion, social anxiety, and a sprinkle of codependency, and you’ve got my cocktail. And despite knowing all this, I was still out in the dating field, searching for my “person.”

And guess who I was always drawn to? Avoidants !! Yes the distant, emotionally unavailable types who never fully showed up.

So the real question became this: was I choosing wrong, or was my wiring leading me back to what felt familiar, even when it wasn’t healthy?

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Therapy + Attached: The Wake-Up Call I Needed

Motherhood forced me to slow down, but it also activated the kind of healing I’d been running from. With the right therapist, and my latest read, Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller, I started to see things more clearly.

This book? Whew. It didn’t just clock my tea; it exposed me. It revealed what secure attachment actually looks like, and how far I had drifted from it. For me, the root of my attachment wounds came from mama-and-daddy unprocessed issues. I didn’t create that cycle, but I lived in it. Now, as a mother, I refuse to pass it down.

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Quick Breakdown: Attachment Styles

• Secure: Comfortable with closeness, good with independence, communicates needs, and respects others’ needs. Anxious: Craves closeness but fears abandonment, constantly seeking reassurance.
• Avoidant: Values independence so much that closeness feels suffocating, struggles with vulnerability.
• Anxious-Avoidant (Fearful-Avoidant): Wants intimacy but pushes it away when it feels too real, confusing both themselves and others.

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Tips for Breaking the Cycle

• Take the test. Awareness is everything. Find out your style with a quick Attachment Style Survey and reflect on how it shows up in your relationships.
• Stop blaming yourself. Your attachment style isn’t a flaw; it’s a pattern. Patterns can be rewired.
• Name your triggers. The next time you feel anxious or avoidant in a relationship, pause and ask: Is this me responding to the present, or to old wounds?
• Seek secure connections. If someone makes you feel seen, heard, and steady, lean in. Even if it feels “boring” at first it might actually be the peace you’ve been craving. Do the inner work.
• Therapy, journaling, prayer, and safe community (like this one) are tools that help you build a secure base from within.

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Final Thoughts

So, are we choosing wrong, or are our attachment styles choosing for us? I’d say it’s both. But once you recognize the pattern, you can decide differently. You don’t have to keep being pulled back into relationships that mirror your wounds. You can choose to build new ones that reflect your healing.

I’m still learning, still healing, still becoming—but I know this: the cycle stops with me.

✨ Ready to dig deeper? Take the Attachment Style Survey for yourself and come back to share your insights.

👉🏾 Join me in The Circle of Becoming—a space for women walking this same path of healing, self-discovery, and breaking cycles. Because healing isn’t just about us; it’s about the legacy we’re creating.