The Circle of Becoming: Self-Discovery •Becoming • Purpose

How much is your love… really?

We talk about being “high value,” loving ourselves, being a “catch.” It sounds good online, especially when we’ve been hurt. But are we saying it because we believe it—or because we’re trying to recover from the damage?

Because if we’re being honest, so many of us (myself included) have stories that don’t exactly match the affirmations.

Everywhere I look, women are asking, “Why do I keep attracting emotionally unavailable men?”

“Why does it keep ending the same?”

And I had to sit with that too. I realized I was drawn to emotionally unavailable men because I have avoidant tendencies myself. I learned to protect my heart by staying distant—so connecting with someone who couldn’t go deep? That almost felt normal. But familiarity isn’t always healthy.

Here’s the thing—I know how to walk away.

My spirit can’t stay in anything that breaks me more than it builds me.

Even when I get knocked off track, I come back to myself.

But still, it gets tiring. Just when I’m aligned and focused—here comes someone’s son, broken, charming, and looking for a soft place to land. And while I’m not in that place anymore, my heart goes out to the women who still are. Women who are still giving their all in hopes that love will fix what trauma broke.

So let’s talk.

Let’s talk about daddy issues.

Let’s talk about value.

Let’s talk about the difference between being picked in chaos and chosen in peace.

Daddy Issues: When Love Begins with Absence

When your first understanding of love comes from someone who left—or never really showed up emotionally—it teaches us that love is earned. That you have to perform. Be good. Be quiet. Be needed.

That’s not love. That’s survival.

Daddy wounds are real, and they often show up as:

• Confusing inconsistency with passion
• Believing struggle equals love
• Avoiding intimacy or vulnerability, even when you crave it
• Being drawn to emotionally distant or toxic men

We carry those lessons into adulthood, expecting different outcomes from the same patterns. But you can’t heal what you keep pretending doesn’t exist.

You can’t fix it by loving someone else harder.

You have to turn inward.

What Mama Might Have Taught Us About Men… And Why We’re Unlearning It

Now let’s talk about mama.

For many of us, mom taught us what she knew. And most of it was rooted in protection, not partnership. She may have said:

“Don’t depend on no man.” “Make sure you always have your own.” Or worse, “Men will be men, just know how to deal with it.”

She taught us survival.

But if we want to build legacy, we need alignment.

Because we don’t just want love..we want the three ps… peace, purpose, partnership.

A man you can build a legacy with won’t need you to carry him.

He’ll meet you in purpose, not pain.

And honestly? That’s exactly what my married friends would say.

The ones who were met with clarity, not confusion.

The ones who didn’t have to shrink or beg or “wait for potential.”

He came with vision. He came ready.

He didn’t need to be fixed—he was focused.

Struggle Love vs. Legacy Love

We were handed a different blueprint.

One where:

• Struggle is seen as proof of commitment
• A woman’s strength is measured by how much she can endure
• Peace feels boring and chaos feels like chemistry

But that’s not love. That’s trauma bonding.

Struggle love feels like:

• Constant emotional confusion
• Apologies with no real change
• Loving the potential of who he could be

Legacy love feels like:

• Security Partnership
• Accountability
• Clarity without confusion

There’s a huge difference between being picked in survival and chosen in peace.

You don’t have to teach the right man how to treat you.

You don’t have to hand him a blueprint to basic emotional safety.

You’re not hard to love—you’ve just been trying to love people who haven’t healed enough to receive you.

The Price of Ignoring Red Flags

Every time we overlook something small—

That “joke” that didn’t sit right.

That inconsistency that we explained away.

That gut feeling we silenced…

We put ourselves on discount.

Ignoring red flags doesn’t make you loyal—it makes you vulnerable to misuse.

You are not required to suffer just to prove your worth.

You are not a rehab center for broken men.

You do not need to audition for love that was never secure to begin with.

Attachment Styles: The Missing Link Between Love and Logic

One of the most powerful tools on the healing journey is learning your attachment style.

You may know what a healthy relationship should look like, but if your nervous system was trained in chaos, love might not feel safe unless it’s intense, unpredictable, or hard to hold on to.

Here’s a quick breakdown:

Anxious Attachment: You crave closeness but fear abandonment. You overgive, overthink, and often feel like you’re “too much.”

Avoidant Attachment: You value independence to the point of pushing people away. Emotional intimacy feels like a threat, not a gift.

Disorganized (Fearful-Avoidant): You want love, but you fear it. You bounce between closeness and distance. It’s exhausting and confusing—for you and your partner.

Secure Attachment: You’re able to love without fear, set boundaries, and receive love without sabotaging it. This is what healing works toward.

Sis, before you ask “What’s his sign?”—ask yourself, “What’s my attachment style?”

Because sometimes it’s not about Mercury being in retrograde—it’s your trauma running on autopilot.

👉🏾 Want to know your style?

Take the free attachment style quiz here.

(I recommend this one from Attachment Project—quick, clear, and backed by solid psychology.)

Getting clear on your attachment style gives you language for your patterns and helps you show up with more compassion—for yourself and the people you let in.

Astrology is fun, but psychology gives you a mirror.

And healing begins when you’re ready to stop guessing and start understanding.

Emotional Intelligence: Honoring Your Worth Even When It Hurts

Here’s what emotional intelligence looks like:

• Walking away even when your heart is still holding on
• Regulating your emotions when your trauma wants you to spiral
• Choosing you—again and again, even when it’s lonely

It’s not easy.

It’s heavy.

But it’s holy.

Emotional intelligence is the key to protecting your peace while still keeping your softness.

It’s what stops you from abandoning yourself just to be “understood.”

Healing Is a Lifelong Decision, Not a Moment

Choosing to heal isn’t a one-time thing—it’s a lifestyle.

Some days you’ll thrive.

Other days, you’ll mourn the version of yourself that stayed too long.

Both are part of the process.

Healing means:

• Looking at your patterns without shame
• Creating boundaries that keep you safe
• No longer being available for anything that diminishes your value

This path is not cute or aesthetic.

It’s real work.

But every time you choose healing, you are saying:

“I no longer settle for love that costs me my dignity.”

Final Word: You Are the Legacy

Sis, your love is sacred.

Your softness is not a weakness.

And your ability to walk away from what doesn’t honor you? That’s strength in its highest form.

You weren’t born to be someone’s lesson.

You were born to build legacy.

And that starts with knowing your value and refusing to discount it—ever again.

Your Turn to Pour

🫶🏽If this touched something in you, don’t keep healing in isolation. Join The Circle of Becoming—a safe space for Black women committed to breaking generational cycles and building legacy with love, truth, and emotional power. You don’t have to do this alone.