Unlock the secrets to true femininity with The Blueprint to Becoming THAT Girl: FemininiThe Blueprint to Becoming THAT Girl
Femininity, Power & Purpose
Let me be honest with you. I didn’t always know what femininity meant for me—not really. I grew up absorbing a lot of mixed messages: be soft, but don’t be weak. Be strong, but don’t be intimidating. Be a good woman, but don’t take up too much space. And for a long time, I tried to squeeze myself into whichever version of “woman” seemed safest.
It wasn’t until I started doing the deep work—reading, praying, journaling, and sitting in community with other women—that I realized femininity was never meant to be a cage. It’s a crown. And we’ve been leaving it on the floor.
So if you’re a Black woman trying to figure out who you are outside of what society, your family, or social media has told you to be—this one is for you. Let’s unpack it together.
Where Did These Ideas Even Come From?
Ancient Roots: Survival, Not Oppression
Gender roles didn’t begin as a power grab—they began as a survival strategy. In ancient Egypt, Greece, and Rome, the division of labor between men and women wasn’t about one being superior to the other. It was about community functioning. Men hunted and defended. Women built the home and held the culture together. Both roles were essential. Both were respected.
But somewhere along the way, “essential” became “inferior.” And we’ve been untangling that ever since.
The Middle Ages to Victorian Era: When Femininity Became a Trap
By the Middle Ages, the script had flipped. Femininity became synonymous with purity, gentleness, and submission—not because women were fragile, but because keeping women small was convenient. The Victorian era doubled down: a “good woman” was decorative, domestic, and dependent.
Sound familiar? Because a lot of us were raised on a version of this. The idea that a woman’s worth is tied to how well she serves, how much she sacrifices, how quietly she exists. That’s not biblical femininity. That’s a counterfeit.
The 20th Century: Women Started Talking Back
The 1900s cracked the mold. Women fought for the vote, flooded the workforce, and began demanding that their humanity be recognized—not just their usefulness. The feminist movement wasn’t about rejecting womanhood; it was about reclaiming it.
We’re still in that reclamation. And for Black women specifically, we’re doing it with the added weight of a world that has historically criminalized our softness and commodified our strength. That context matters.
What Does the Bible Actually Say?
A lot of conversation about femininity circles back to Genesis 2:18—”It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a help meet.” That phrase, “help meet,” has been used to reduce women to sidekicks for centuries. But the original Hebrew tells a different story.
The word used is ezer—a word that appears throughout scripture to describe God Himself as Israel’s helper, protector, and strength. This is not the language of servitude. This is the language of power.
And then there’s Proverbs 31.
“She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future.” — Proverbs 31:25
The Proverbs 31 Woman: The Original ‘That Girl’
Before Instagram gave us morning routines and green juice, the Bible gave us the ultimate blueprint. The Proverbs 31 woman wasn’t just a good wife—she was a full, flourishing human being.
She bought land (v. 16). She ran her own business (v. 18). She provided for her household and hired staff (v. 15). She was known in the community for her wisdom and generosity (v. 20, 26). Her husband trusted her judgment entirely (v. 11).
She wasn’t performing femininity. She was living it—rooted, purposeful, and whole.
What This Looks Like Today
I think about Proverbs 31 every time I see a single mom building her business after bedtime. Or a grandmother who raised her grandchildren, kept the family together, and still found time to pour into her church community. Or my own journey—building The Circle of Becoming while raising my son, figuring out how to become the woman I kept writing about.
The Proverbs 31 woman isn’t a standard to measure yourself against. She’s an invitation to stop shrinking.
How to Step into Your Power Your Way
“That Girl” isn’t a trend. She’s a posture. a way of moving through the world with intention, confidence, and self-respect. Here’s how to build that:
1. Master Your Emotions Without Muting Them
Emotional intelligence isn’t about being calm all the time, it’s about knowing your emotional landscape well enough to navigate it. That means feeling the anger, the grief, the anxiety, and still choosing how you respond. It also means setting boundaries not from fear, but from clarity.
Practice: The next time you feel triggered, pause before responding. Ask yourself—what do I actually need right now? Not what does this situation demand—what do I need?
2. Own Your Presence
Your style, your walk, the way you hold yourself, these aren’t vanity. They’re communication. How you show up in a room tells people what you believe about yourself. You don’t need a designer wardrobe to carry yourself like someone who knows her worth. You just need to believe it first.
If you’ve been playing small, in your wardrobe, your conversations, your ambitions—ask yourself whose voice told you to do that. Then decide if that voice has earned the right to take up space in your head.
3. Protect Your Mind and Body Like Your Life Depends on It
It does. We can’t keep pouring from empty vessels and calling it strength. Rest is not laziness. Therapy is not weakness. Saying no is not selfishness. These are acts of stewardship, you are taking care of something that belongs to God.
Start small: One thing you can add this week, a 10-minute walk, a journaling practice, a single night where you close the laptop at 9pm. Build the habit of honoring your own limits.
4. Build Financial Independence—For Real
The “soft life” conversation is real, but let’s be clear: softness built on someone else’s income is fragility in disguise. Financial independence isn’t about not wanting partnership, it’s about making sure you always have a choice.
Whether you’re working on getting out of debt, building an emergency fund, or learning to invest, start somewhere. Resources like Clever Girl Finance by Bola Sokunbi, or workshops through your local credit union, are great entry points. The Proverbs 31 woman managed assets and income. So can you.
5. Give Yourself Permission to Be Soft
This might be the hardest one for a lot of us. We’ve been so conditioned to be the strong one, the capable one, the one who holds it together, that we’ve forgotten how to receive. Softness isn’t the opposite of strength, it’s the result of it. You can only afford to rest when you trust yourself enough to know you’ll rise again.
Give yourself grace. Not as a one-time act, but as a daily practice.
Go Deeper: Resources Worth Your Time
Books: Worthy by Jamie Kern Lima • Becoming by Michelle Obama • Clever Girl Finance by Bola Sokunbi
Scripture Study: Proverbs 31 (full chapter) • Genesis 1:27 • Psalm 139:14 • Proverbs 4:23
Community: Join us inside The Circle of Becoming for ongoing conversations about healing, identity, and becoming who you were always called to be.
Now It’s Your Turn
I’ve shared my story—now I want to hear yours.
How do you define femininity? Has that definition changed over the years? What’s one thing you’ve had to unlearn in order to step more fully into yourself?
Drop it in the comments. There are no wrong answers here, only honest ones. That’s what this community was built for.
Becoming ‘That Girl’ isn’t about a glow-up. It’s about a wake-up.
Final Thoughts
You don’t need permission to step into your power. You never did. What you might need is a reminder that the version of womanhood you’ve been handed—the one built on silence, sacrifice, and smallness, was never the original design.
The original design was strength clothed in dignity. Wisdom that speaks. Softness that isn’t afraid. A woman who builds, leads, loves, and rests—without apology.
She was always you. It’s time to act like it.
— Blaq Butterfly | The Circle of Becomingty, Power & Purpose. Dive into the history of gender roles, biblical wisdom from the Proverbs 31 woman, and actionable steps to embrace your feminine power with confidence, independence, and grace. Your glow-up starts here!
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