The Girl You Were Before the World Hardened You

There was a time before heartbreak.
Before betrayal.
Before survival mode became second nature.

There was once a version of you that loved freely, laughed loudly, trusted deeply, and moved through life with softness, wonder, and emotional openness.

She was there.
Her.

The girl who believed good things could happen to her.
The girl who didn’t overanalyze every interaction.
The girl who wasn’t constantly bracing for disappointment.

And although life may have buried parts of her beneath trauma, responsibility, motherhood, heartbreak, rejection, or survival… she still exists.

Healing is not becoming someone entirely new.

Sometimes healing is simply reconnecting with the woman you were before the world convinced you that hardness was the only way to survive.

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Have We Misunderstood Femininity?

Lately, I’ve noticed more people becoming uncomfortable with the phrase “raising strong daughters,” almost as if strength automatically means masculinity, hardness, hyper-independence, or a woman disconnected from her femininity.

The conversation now seems to center around keeping women “soft,” protected, feminine, and gentle.

And while I understand the heart behind that message, I have to ask:

Are we even defining femininity correctly anymore?
Let alone softness?

Because if we’re being honest, many women are trying to heal from lives that required them to become emotionally armored just to survive.

Have We Misunderstood Femininity?

femininitynoun

fem·​i·​nin·​i·​ty ˌfem-ə-ˈnin-ət-ē 

: the quality or nature of the female sex

Becoming Soft Life

Recently, I asked a question in a Facebook group about “soft life” tips for women who have only known struggle, stress, and survival mode. Many of the responses were beautiful. Women talked about slowing down, resting, therapy, boundaries, self-care, asking for help, and romanticizing life a little more.

But one comment stood out to me.

A woman replied:
“There’s no such thing as a soft life. You still have to work hard for the things you want in this world.”

And honestly?
That response made me sad more than anything else.

Not because she was entirely wrong. Life absolutely requires effort, discipline, sacrifice, and responsibility. But because I realized many women hear the word “softness” and immediately associate it with weakness, dependency, delusion, or laziness.

And I don’t think that misunderstanding came from nowhere.

I think many women have simply lived too long without emotional safety.

For some women, softness feels unrealistic because life never gave them room to experience it.

Especially for Black women, softness has often been treated like a luxury instead of a birthright.

Softness Is Not Weakness

Many of us were praised for being “strong” before we were ever taught how to feel safe.
Praised for surviving before we learned how to rest.
Praised for holding everything together while silently falling apart inside.

So naturally, many women grow up believing femininity means either:

• helplessness
• performance
• aesthetic beauty
• submission without boundaries
• or shrinking yourself to make others comfortable

But true femininity was never supposed to require self-abandonment.

And softness was never supposed to mean becoming smaller.

To me, softness is not weakness.

Softness is:

• emotional safety
• nervous system regulation
• self-trust
• the ability to receive help without shame
• resting without guilt
• not constantly operating from defense mode
• feeling safe enough to remain emotionally open despite life experiences

That’s different from being passive.

And strength?
Strength should never mean emotional suppression.

A strong woman should still be allowed to cry.
Still be allowed to rest.
Still be allowed to ask for support.
Still be allowed to desire peace.

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What’s heartbreaking is that many studies surrounding confidence in girls and women show confidence often begins declining somewhere between adolescence and early adulthood — roughly between ages 12 to 30.

According to the Girl Index Report, girl’s confidence declines as they get older and their belief in their own abilities and opportunities shifts!

The very years girls are navigating:

• beauty standards
• rejection
• trauma
• comparison
• relationships
• societal expectations
• financial instability
• motherhood
• performance pressure
• and identity formation

Many girls begin life expressive, imaginative, bold, curious, and emotionally free.

Then somewhere along the way…
they start shrinking.

Shrinking their voices.
Shrinking their desires.
Shrinking their emotions.
Shrinking their bodies.
Shrinking their confidence.

And for some women, they don’t reconnect with themselves again until their 70s.

Seventy.

Entire decades spent surviving while disconnected from joy, softness, creativity, confidence, safety, and self-trust.

Please sistah…
don’t let that be you.

Don’t spend your entire life performing strength while secretly longing to exhale.

And don’t confuse survival with identity.

You were never meant to only survive this life.
You were meant to experience it too.

The goal isn’t to become smaller in order to appear feminine.
The goal is returning back to yourself before survival completely erases the woman you once were.

And maybe that’s what softness truly is.

It’s finally feeling safe enough to become yourself again.

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How to Reconnect with Your Younger Self

1. Speak to Her

Write a letter to your younger self.

Acknowledge her softness, creativity, bravery, and emotional openness.

Tell her:
“You were never foolish for loving freely. You were never weak for believing in goodness. Life changed you, but you are still worthy of softness.”

2. Reignite What Once Brought You Joy

What made her feel alive before survival took over?

Was it:

• dancing
• journaling
• creating
• reading
• music
• dreaming
• laughing freely
• talking for hours with people she loved

Healing sometimes looks like bringing her passions back into your life again.

3. Allow Yourself to Trust Again

A guarded heart may feel protected, but it can also become emotionally trapped.

Healing means opening yourself back up to:

• love
• friendship
• opportunity
• joy
• and possibility

Not naively.
But courageously.

4. Release the Shame Around Survival

Forgive yourself for the ways you adapted.

Forgive yourself for:

• becoming guarded
• disconnecting emotionally
• losing sight of your softness
• struggling to trust
• overworking to feel safe

You did what you had to do to survive.

But now?
You deserve more than survival.

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The Woman You Are Becoming

A healed woman does not return to pain.
But she does return to herself.

She reclaims:

Her joy. Softness. Confidence. Emotional Safety. Her ability to hope again.

She becomes wise without becoming bitter.
Protected without becoming emotionally unavailable.
Strong without abandoning her femininity.

And maybe that’s the true journey of becoming.

Not hardening yourself to survive the world…

But learning how to remain whole while living in it.ur younger self. Acknowledge her bravery, her softness, and her belief in the good.

Tell her:

“You were never foolish for loving freely. You were never weak for seeing the good. Life changed you, but you are still her.”

Let’s Talk: Have you felt disconnected from your younger self? Comment below and share your journey.